I had a vision, a very simple vision, but a vision all the same. It is not one to be proclaimed to the world, and no, as far as I know, the world will not be ending in October or on any specific date that some nut case preacher man proclaims to the world. The vision was for me and it was aimed towards my spiritual life and what God told me tore me to pieces.
I am standing in a forest and above the trees I see the light and smoke of a fire in the forest. I cannot run, I cannot move a muscle, I am paralyzed in place. A small voice speaks to me, saying, "The world is on fire for me," and I respond, "I see it, Lord, I see. Glory to you." The small voice then said to me, "The world is on fire for me, it burns for me, but you, you have died. Your have died, why have you lost my fire? Burn for me, live again." "But I am living." "Burn and live for me." The fire in the forest continued to burn, it burned big and bright.
When I came out of the vision, my heart broke. I have allowed myself to die spiritually, I have allowed the roaring fire in my soul to die down and become mere ash and charcoal, not a spark of light to be seen. The concept of fire is a big deal to me. Having been born and raised in the state of New Mexico, which is a desert stricken by drought, and in the midst of having to breathe in the smoke from the wild fires that are raging and ravaging the state of Arizona, I am very familiar with fires and how devastating they can be to not only the terrain, but also to personal property as well. Having this knowledge and having this image being used to describe my spiritual life was a devastating thing to experience. I'll be honest and open, one thing that is so hard for me is my pride, asking for help and admitting that I am not in a place that is good for my spiritual life (and for everything else in my life, for that matter). I don't want to be told that I am wrong, that I am not in a good way, that something is wrong. I like living my life the way I want to, but in the end, it hurts, it leaves me empty, broken, lonely, and searching for something to fill my emptiness. I know full well that there is a certain something that will fill this big hole, something that will reignite the fire in my heart, reignite my passion for life, someone who will resuscitate my dead heart, someone who will open my blinded eyes, a savior, a God man, the clover of my soul, the three separate beings in one being, the Christ, the King.
I did not want to hear what I heard, but I knew that Christ the King was right in calling my bluff and telling me I needed to get over my not so glorious self and let Him create in me a passionate fire for Him and Him alone. Over the past few weeks, there have been a few things that have happened in my life, whether it be an actual situation, a conversation I had or a conversation I overheard (I'm not a creeper, some conversations are just really interesting to listen in on), a sermon I heard, or a song I heard. These things have ministered to me in various ways, but all of those various ways have all lead me to one thing, that one thing being I need community, and not just community, but a Christian community. I need a Christian community where I can be ministered to and where I can minister to others, a place where I can take part in the biblical lifestyle of discipleship and accountability. Now it is time for me to truly be an active participant in that place, that community, that family atmosphere where I can reignite my soul's fire and help others burn for God.
Okay, so persistence and stubbornness don't pay off when fighting with God, it just hurts a lot more in then end when God comes out on top with the win.
I'll be honest, I'm hurting, really hurting. I'm hurting because I've been fighting for so long to hold onto and hide so many things that are not for me to keep. I truly believe that what is in a person, what a person keeps in their heart, in their deepest, most inner soul, will come out of their mouth. Having this belief is probably why I am always convicted when I read and/or hear the verse Matthew 12:34 when Jesus calls the Pharisees a brood of vipers and that the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart.
Okay back to the hurting.
I know I'm not the only one that does this, but of all the people to do this, I really shouldn't do this due to my history of .... I shall refrain from sharing my issues (if you truly feel like you need to know, ask and I'll consider telling you), but I pent up all of my hurts, pains, and anger. I've held onto all of this ugly stuff for so long that it has seeped into my heart and has begun seep out of my mouth and I have tried my hardest to stay away from God's Word and have tried my hardest to push away the Holy Spirit because I don't want to hear that I've become a very angry, bitter, hurting, and emotionally ugly person to be around and that I tend to sucker people into my puddle of muddy ugliness. All of this got to a point when a cousin of mine got so sick and tired of how I treated people, and her, that she exploded on me and put me in my place. It hurt. A lot. It still hurts thinking about it, but how many people have I hurt? But it's a good kind of hurt, if there is such a thing, because it's a good reminder that I need to treat people so much better than I have and do (I guess there's a reason why Jesus said to treat people the way we want to be treated).
This situation was one of a couple situations that helped spark my realizing that I needed to study bible verses on kindness. There is one verse in particular that came up and it took me a little while to realize... no, that's a lie, it didn't take very long at all to realize that God was telling me what I was doing to people.
That verse being Job 6:14, which says:
"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty."
When I read this verse, I wept. I still weep when I think about it. This verse is tearing me apart because it's making me realize how much hurt, pain, and anger I've been holding onto and that it's coming out of my mouth and hurting others, especially the people that I care about the most. I know so many people that have this inner beauty that flows and blesses every person that they come across and I've come to realize that I used to be like that and the reason why I'm not like that anymore is because I stopped hanging out with God on a regular basis and it's hurting me, which in turn, is causing me to hurt other people instead of encourage and bless them.
I don't want to withhold kindness anymore because it's not only hurting my relationship with God, but it's also hurting me and hurting the relationships that I hold dearly to my heart.
Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. Thank you for your son and what he did for my soul.
Much happiness to the blogosphere! How's it going for everybody?
Well, today has been a day for deep thinking for me. I guess it's more of a day that I'm actually writing/typing about some of my deep thinking. I'm pretty sure that most people have heard and possibly used the saying "blessed to be a blessing," and in my mind, it's a bit over-used (but I have to admit I have used it a few times myself). Though, there are a few times when we use the saying in concerns to a situation and everyone in the conversation will say, "Uh, yeah, hello, definitely a blessed to bless situation." One of the best examples of this that comes to mind is the story of Esther. Here is a young woman who was raised by her cousin, Mordecai, and is placed into a position by God to blow the mind of the King of Persia with her beauty and becomes his queen. Her being placed in this position allows her to become a blessing to her people, the chosen people of God, the Jews.
She trusted God and she trusted in the godly advise that her cousin, Mordecai, gave her. Because of this trust, this faith, when the time came, though she had fear, Esther stepped out in faith with the knowledge that she could possibly be killed for just simply approaching the king's throne without him summoning her to see him. When it was evident that she was in the favor of the king to approach his throne, she needed to have more trust and faith in God and in the advice given to her by Mordecai, faith that she was making the right decision to say that she was extending an invitation to the king and Haman, the official responsible to have a decree made to annihilate the Jews, to attend a feast she had prepared for them.
When the first feast had ended, she invited the king and Haman to a second feast. It was during the second feast that Esther had more faith than she probably ever thought that she had and unraveled Haman's hopes and plans to destroy the Jews. Because of Esther's faith, the king had Haman killed and had a second decreed issued stating that the Jews must do whatever it takes to protect themselves from what would come when the first decree would go into effect.
As Americans, how often do we allow ourselves to trust and have faith in God and godly people who advise us in God's wisdom when the time calls for us to trust and have faith and to step out in that faith? We probably allow things to get in the way, whether it is pride, fear, uncertainty, or whatever it may be, but we allow ourselves to be convinced that we're too good to stoop down to sit down in the mud and speak out for those who "aren't good enough" to hang with us (God forbid we might ruin our fancy Adidas shoes and Abercrombie and Fitch jeans), or that we're not good enough to speak up and say that something that may be happening is wrong and that the will that is setting wrongful things into motion needs to realize that those who will be affected will be affected for worse than for better. The list is endless.
Why do I not speak up when I know I should? Why am I so afraid of what people will say? I know that my family, friends, and co-workers support me in what I stand for, why don't I support myself? I need to let God whisper in my ear that I am His child and that He has chosen me to be apart of His will, and I need to listen to Him instead of letting Satan's weeds grow in my heart and mind.
Do I trust God enough to step out in faith? Do we trust God enough to step out in faith?
I am a dreamer. No matter what I do, it is a fact that cannot be avoided or changed. Not only do I dream when I am asleep, but I dream with my eyes open. Fantasies of what could happen, the question of "what if?" is constantly running through my mind, the desire to roam free urges my feet to walk across the face of the earth. I only wish it were that simple. If there was a profession of "Professional Roamer of the Earth," that's what I would want to be when I grow up. The only problem is that I need learn how to not only dream, but dream and make opportunities for those dreams to be real situations.
Opportunity making really hurts. It makes me realize which dreams are capable of becoming tangible situations and opportunities and which dreams must stay in the land between asleep and awake. I dream of traveling all over the world... and getting paid for wouldn't be so bad, I dream that I might actually realize what I want to be when I grow up (does anyone truly know what they want to be when they grow up?), I dream that art might actually lead to something for me, I dream that my Prince Charming will come in a soccer uniform of a famous club and will sweep me off my feet in his nice car (does Prince Charming even exist? I'm really starting to doubt he does.).
I'm not sure if these things will happen, well, Prince Charming in his soccer uniform is a definite not happening, but I am sure that my life and future are in the hands of a Father who does know my comings and goings, who knows when I fall asleep and when I wake up, a Father who gives a home to the sparrow and clothes the lily of the valley and who will take care of me.
Okay, so, I spent this past week going back and forth between Wisconsin and Illinois for the Thanksgiving holiday and for the wedding of my older brother. One might think, "Oh, a week off from work to have Thanksgiving with the family of your brother's fiancée (now wife) and for the wedding! How relaxing!" Oh, how I dreamt of relaxing! We baked and cooked for all the people who were coming into Wisconsin the day of Thanksgiving, then after that, we had to do all things wedding: rehearsal dinner, tuxes, shoes, manicures, pedicures, hair, make-up, pictures (I slipped and fell into mud when we were taking wedding party pictures and barely missed getting mud onto my dress), so on and so forth and it was all so beautiful!!
Anyhow, though I enjoyed myself greatly at the wedding, the wedding itself and all things related are not the purpose of this blog.
This past Monday was the day that a majority of my family left Wisconsin and left all things cold, wet, cheese, and beer related to come back to the great and beautiful Land of Enchantment known as New Mexico. First, we flew out of Milwaukee to Pheonix (why there was no direct flight to Albuquerque, I don't know), then from Pheonix to Albuquerque. Well, we had a nearly two hour layover in Pheonix, so we all had lunch and hung out, and sporadically, a few of us decided to take a walk before our flight home. My cousin, Andrés, and I were a couple of the first people to decide to take a stroll (anyone who knows the two of us will agree that we can be a dangerous pair, due us not always being the most observant people).
First, we stopped at Starbuck's for coffee, then we walked wherever there were those escalator-like walkways (I saw a guy who looked very much like Robert Downey, JR on one of them ... I didn't say anything 'cause I didn't want to embarress myself ... it probably wasn't him), then we strolled into the Borders that was there in the airport and schmoozed with the employees there and we both made a purchase, then I bought a bottle of water and he looked around in the electronics store. Then Andrés said that we should probably head back (I'm assuming that he looked at his cell phone (I have not concept of time because I somehow forgot my phone charger at our hotel in Illinois, therefore, was forced to let my cell phone die a slow death)) and it's at this point that everything gets interesting.
We head back in the direction that we came from and when we got to the corridor that we had made a turn in was when we realized that we had not only walked away from our gate, but had completely walked out of customs and past security into the main concourse (which is why we were able to go to Borders and buy stuff). So, the only way for us to get back to our gate was to go through security ... again. Now, Andrés was smart and had his boarding pass and I wasn't so smart and didn't have my boarding pass, so we were pretty sure I wouldn't be able to get through without my boarding pass, but we still decided to ask if I could still get throught without it ... it was a no go. Andrés decides to go through security and wait for me and I decide to go down to the 2nd level (security and all of the boarding gates were on level 3) and go to the airline check-in and have a new boarding pass printed (mind you, I have no concept as to what time it is and no concept as to how much time I have, all I know is that I need to get a new boarding pass and get back to my gate as quickly as possible).
When I get to the check-in line, there was an employee directing people and he asked if I had any luggage to check in and I told him my pathetic story and he said just to go back up to the 3rd floor and go the kiosk and he said to either insert my driver's license or debit/credit card into the kiosk and it should allow me to print a new boarding pass without having to enter my flight confirmation number, so I went back to the third floor and followed his directions. The stupid kiosk wouldn't do anything. So I tried again. And again. Every single time I entered my driver's licensed into the kiosk, it only gave me options for rapid rewards or enter confirmation number, and a couple other options I don't remember, and I was definitely not going to insert my debit card out of fear of something getting charged to my account. I then attempted to my dad on the cell phone of a stranger who was nice enough to allow me to use his fancy blackberry (it took me a little while to figure out how to use the stupid machine) just to get my dad's answering machine.
I go back to the airline's check-in and the man who gave the directions to me sees me walking back to him and we get back to talking and I explain what happened and he directs me to the "express check-in" outside (mind you, this the end of November in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, the sky is overcast and the temperature is 40 degrees F at best), so I go outside and stand in the extremely short line of the express check-in and take notice of an extremely attractive employee (how could I not notice? He was very handsome and had the most beautiful eyes). So, there I am waiting for the next person to help me when Mr. Handsome walks up to me and asks how he could help me (many things crossed my mind, but I decided to stick strictly to business), so I responded that I lost my boarding pass and all of my things had already been checked on, so if he print me a new boarding pass, that would quite nice. So he prints me a new pass and says to me with a straight face, "So, it's $25 for a new boarding pass, and that's without tax, then there's gratuities, which would be quite nice if ..." and while he's saying this, I'm thinkging, "No frieking way! Are you kidding me?" There many other things that went through my mind, but I'll keep my blog child friendly. I reach down for my wallet, I'm still looking at him and I must have this look that says "Take back your statement or go to hell," because before I get my wallet out, he smiles this big smile, begins to laugh, and says he's kidding, and tells me to hurry to my gate before the plane leaves and God bless.
So, I then sprint up the stairs to the 3rd level and get to security, then right when the officer finishes checking my id and boarding pass, the security supivisor, whom Andrés and I had spoken to earlier about me possibly getting through security without a boarding pass, comes rushing over to me saying, "Ma'am! I've got your boarding pass! I've got your boarding pass!" Bless her soul! I think she was stressing about me getting through as much as I was! What happened was, after time kept creeping by and I hadn't come through security yet, Andrés had ran back to our gate and got my boarding pass and ran back to get it to me. I get through security and didn't put my flops back and Andrés asked why I didn't put them on and I responded that there was no way I could run with them on, so we run back to our gate and we were the last two people to board the plane.
It's been far too long since my last blog. I'm feeling rather rusty in terms of writing down my thoughts for the whole blogosphere to read, but hey, whatev. So, I guess welcome back to the musings of a muse, for there is definitely plenty to muse over ;0)
Many may know this, while at the same time, many may not know this, I am currently in the application process of joining an organization called Servant Partners, though the actual application has been finished, there are a few things I must do before sending that paperwork in. What, or who, is Servant Partners you ask? Well, let me tell you the basics. Servant Partners is an organization that gets people plugged into slum communities in the U.S. and countries around the world, and not only do they get plugged into the communities, but they try to work with the people in the communities and build them up that will bring benefit to them and work with the people in ways that the people need help in and in ways that the people feel like they need help with and not following the thought process of "one mold fits all." Another thing that the organization does is bringing up strong, biblically based pastors from the communities to lead local churches instead of bringing in pastors from elsewhere that are unfamiliar with the culture of the specific communities that the churches are located in, and possibly, the countries the churches are located in. So that's the extremely basic gist of what the organization does.
A few people have asked me how I came across this specific organization and I feel that this question is a total legit question. Back in 2006, went to missions conference called Urbana and Urbana is put on every three years by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship, then I heard about Servant Partners again in 2007 at a Latino conference called La Fe, which is also put on every three years by InterVarsity Christian Fellowship. The whole process definitely has a God-ordained feel to it, though I will have to wait and see when I finish all of the odds and ends, but from 2006 till now, though the excitement I am feeling is very unique because I don't think I have ever experienced excitement quite like this before. I do believe the whole process began when I was in Thailand during the summer of 2006, volunteering at a Christian rehabilitation center for prostitutes and former prostitutes, teaching basic English and math, doing Bible studies, helping with the micro-businesses that the rehab center has so that these women can have a source of income, among other things, then having gone to Urbana later that year, then having gone to La Fe then next year and having met someone from Servant Partners at both conferences, I do believe that my situation is God-ordained, not coincidence. I guess it depends on perspective.
So, may the musings begin.
Con Paz, Paciencia, y Fe (With Peace, Patience, and Faith)
So, today is Ash Wednesday. For those of you who are absolutely clueless as to what that means, it means that today is the first day of Lent, which means that after today, there are 39 days left till Easter. For those of you who are absolutely clueless to what Lent is, it is a period of abstinence, reflection, and drawing closer to G - d (kind of like Ramadan, but we don't break our abstinence at the end of the day. There are actually many differences and similarities, but I really don't know enough about Islam to go into that discussion).
For many people, Lent is just something that is done every single year before Easter and they give up something because they have to because the church says so, not really drawing closer to G - d or really thinking about what G - d did and why Easter even exists. They do Lent because it is Tradition. Now, there is absolutely nothing wrong with tradition, but there is something wrong when tradition is what it's all about and people put tradition over G - d. I have a problem with that. I know many people who are Catholic and Eastern Orthodox, a lot of the people in my family are Catholic and there a few people in my family who are Russian Orthodox and at Lent it's a bit obvious (well, I think it's obvious) who is giving up something because they have to and who is giving up something because they want to draw closer to G - d. For some people, it's like a show, who can complain the loudest, who is the "most holy," while others don't really talk about it because they feel it's something that's between them and G - d or they don't talk about it all because "it's none of you business, thank you very much ((that's the edited version of what a Catholic classmate said to me in a college English class))."
Now, I'm officially not Catholic, but I do have Catholic tendencies. I do follow the tradition of Lent not because it is a tradition that my family has done generation after generation, not because my family has done for centuries (literally, centuries), but because it brings a different dynamic to my Christian faith, there is a beauty to giving something up and learning to live without something and "suffering" a little bit and seeing G - d through the hunger and desire for the thing and learning to rely on Father more. The things I'm giving up are sugar, beef, and pork, things that I've already been giving up for a month or so, but feel that I should continue to live without. I do not bring this up because I want pity or because I want to make myself look pious and have people think, "Oh, she's setting lofty goals." No, that's not why I mention what I'm fasting, I mention this because I want theaccountability. It's easier to fool one person than to fool five or more people.
There are many things that can be said on this topic, but I won't go there. I leave this topic to be contemplated by others who are more willing to tear it apart and put it back together in a tactful manner. I leave you with this:The prayer that G - d listened to was not the prayer that was prayed by the proud, conceited religious man, who prayed so that people would look at him and say, "Oh, he is so holy and loves G - d." No, G - d listened to the prayer that was the most sincere, and not only was it the most sincere, but it was prayed by the least respectable person.
