The Forest Burns, The World is on Fire

       I had a vision, a very simple vision, but a vision all the same.  It is not one to be proclaimed to the world, and no, as far as I know, the world will not be ending in October or on any specific date that some nut case preacher man proclaims to the world.  The vision was for me and it was aimed towards my spiritual life and what God told me tore me to pieces.

       I am standing in a forest and above the trees I see the light and smoke of a fire in the forest.  I cannot run, I cannot move a muscle, I am paralyzed in place.  A small voice speaks to me, saying, "The world is on fire for me," and I respond, "I see it, Lord, I see.  Glory to you."  The small voice then said to me, "The world is on fire for me, it burns for me, but you, you have died.  Your have died, why have you lost my fire?  Burn for me, live again."  "But I am living."  "Burn and live for me."  The fire in the forest continued to burn, it burned big and bright.

       When I came out of the vision, my heart broke.  I have allowed myself to die spiritually, I have allowed the roaring fire in my soul to die down and become mere ash and charcoal, not a spark of light to be seen.  The concept of fire is a big deal to me.  Having been born and raised in the state of New Mexico, which is a desert stricken by drought, and in the midst of having to breathe in the smoke from the wild fires that are raging and ravaging the state of Arizona, I am very familiar with fires and how devastating they can be to not only the terrain, but also to personal property as well.  Having this knowledge and having this image being used to describe my spiritual life was a devastating thing to experience.  I'll be honest and open, one thing that is so hard for me is my pride, asking for help and admitting that I am not in a place that is good for my spiritual life (and for everything else in my life, for that matter).  I don't want to be told that I am wrong, that I am not in a good way, that something is wrong.  I like living my life the way I want to, but in the end, it hurts, it leaves me empty, broken, lonely, and searching for something to fill my emptiness.  I know full well that there is a certain something that will fill this big hole, something that will reignite the fire in my heart, reignite my passion for life, someone who will resuscitate my dead heart, someone who will open my blinded eyes, a savior, a God man, the clover of my soul, the three separate beings in one being, the Christ, the King.

       I did not want to hear what I heard, but I knew that Christ the King was right in calling my bluff and telling me I needed to get over my not so glorious self and let Him create in me a passionate fire for Him and Him alone.  Over the past few weeks, there have been a few things that have happened in my life, whether it be an actual situation, a conversation I had or a conversation I overheard (I'm not a creeper, some conversations are just really interesting to listen in on), a sermon I heard, or a song I heard.  These things have ministered to me in various ways, but all of those various ways have all lead me to one thing, that one thing being I need community, and not just community, but a Christian community.  I need a Christian community where I can be ministered to and where I can minister to others, a place where I can take part in the biblical lifestyle of discipleship and accountability.  Now it is time for me to truly be an active participant in that place, that community, that family atmosphere where I can reignite my soul's fire and help others burn for God.

God has me in an armlock and I'm tapping out (finally).

Okay, so persistence and stubbornness don't pay off when fighting with God, it just hurts a lot more in then end when God comes out on top with the win.
        I'll be honest, I'm hurting, really hurting.  I'm hurting because I've been fighting for so long to hold onto and hide so many things that are not for me to keep.  I truly believe that what is in a person, what a person keeps in their heart, in their deepest, most inner soul, will come out of their mouth.  Having this belief is probably why I am always convicted when I read and/or hear the verse Matthew 12:34 when Jesus calls the Pharisees a brood of vipers and that the mouth speaks out of the abundance of the heart.

Okay back to the hurting.
    
       I know I'm not the only one that does this, but of all the people to do this, I really shouldn't do this due to my history of .... I shall refrain from sharing my issues (if you truly feel like you need to know, ask and I'll consider telling you), but I pent up all of my hurts, pains, and anger.  I've held onto all of this ugly stuff for so long that it has seeped into my heart and has begun seep out of my mouth and I have tried my hardest to stay away from God's Word and have tried my hardest to push away the Holy Spirit because I don't want to hear that I've become a very angry, bitter, hurting, and emotionally ugly person to be around and that I tend to sucker people into my puddle of muddy ugliness.  All of this got to a point when a cousin of mine got so sick and tired of how I treated people, and her, that she exploded on me and put me in my place.  It hurt.  A lot.  It still hurts thinking about it, but how many people have I hurt?  But it's a good kind of hurt, if there is such a thing, because it's a good reminder that I need to treat people so much better than I have and do (I guess there's a reason why Jesus said to treat people the way we want to be treated).
       This situation was one of a couple situations that helped spark my realizing that I needed to study bible verses on kindness.  There is one verse in particular that came up and it took me a little while to realize... no, that's a lie, it didn't take very long at all to realize that God was telling me what I was doing to people.
That verse being Job 6:14, which says:

"He who withholds kindness from a friend forsakes the fear of the Almighty."

When I read this verse, I wept.  I still weep when I think about it.  This verse is tearing me apart because it's making me realize how much hurt, pain, and anger I've been holding onto and that it's coming out of my mouth and hurting others, especially the people that I care about the most.  I know so many people that have this inner beauty that flows and blesses every person that they come across and I've come to realize that I used to be like that and the reason why I'm not like that anymore is because I stopped hanging out with God on a regular basis and it's hurting me, which in turn, is causing me to hurt other people instead of encourage and bless them.

       I don't want to withhold kindness anymore because it's not only hurting my relationship with God, but it's also hurting me and hurting the relationships that I hold dearly to my heart.

       Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner.  Thank you for your son and what he did for my soul.